Tuesday, August 29, 2006 09:22 p.m.
I needed to write something down. I never update anyway.
I knew I could put it in here. I've been reading the old posts, and I thought that I should post because no matter what I do I never change. In some ways it's nice to know that I'll always be the same. When I'm an old single man I can always look back here and tell my illegitimate grandchildren tales of valiant life.
My life in a breakdown. Actually I followed through on a promise I made myself long long ago. I'm going to destroy any relationship I have before I get to Japan, or great a great disaster when I get here. I can't believe I was baseing my whole life on getting here. Now that I'm here I don't want to be anywhere else, but man did I sound like a broken record.
Okay, I'm getting off topic. The life breakdown since last post. Started a relationship with Keiko almost imediately at the point that I was talking to Madoka (remember her as Madokr). Shouldn't say started a relationship though as that came after I talked with her on the phone. Long relationship, had things worked out next month 11th would have been our 2 year anniversary. As soon as I got to Japan I felt that I couldn't continue, I felt that I was drifting away. So I did just that, I drifted away. She tried to keep me holding on by saying that she would support me, but I had other things that I wanted to do, and I couldn't find those feelings inside anymore. Like a cloud thinning out and before you know it you see the sky and think about flying. Not a very fair analogy for her though as she was my best girlfriend, and it was, by far, my best relationship. I guess that's relative since I've not been in many.
Okay I also graduated during that time, thus I'm in Japan now.
The real name of this post should be: I always get what I want
Because I do. Well I'm sort of counting unhatched chickens, but I get what I want. I think part of that is I'm patient enough to get what I want, and that's very cocky sounding and makes me sound like a horrible person. I guess it's a good thing that no-one reads this anymore then.
What do I mean by I always get what I want? Well when we got here, about 2 weeks in we participated in a suzusulan doori. Met a sweet girl Sayuri, and proceeded to talk to make her our first friend here. Why her you might ask? Well it was convenient for one, but mostly I thought that she seemed really nice. So my life flashed before my eyes and I made a difficult decision. So now I'm single. I'm sending alot of emails, but not getting responses, the usual stuff. You can look at any of the archives and see what I mean. It's nice because when you pursue everything you see like I do you always get what you want because you want everything right? Haha, Not funny!
So the other night we were hanging out watching a movie and she abruptly asked if I wanted to kiss her. Well if it's what you want are you supposed to say the opposite? Actually I didn't know what to do, because I wanted to, but I was afraid to. So it just started to happen (the kissing, don't be in the gutter), and eventually she said that we weren't acting much like regular friends, so I said let's just say that we're going out. What does that mean?
So I expect emotion in the emails we send (via phone), but I'm not getting any of that, so I'm a bit confused, but trying to avoid letting myself really think about it. It's enough that we're friends, but if we're really more than friends I'd like it to be true for both of us. Okay, so there was something I wanted to talk about, not off topic though. Yes, got it. The kids at school wanted to know if I have a girlfriend, and I don't know if I do or don't so I said "I think I have a girlfriend." That's that. What am I really after? If I have to ask myself and say that I don't know that answer that's bad, but I know the answer I'm just afraid to actually say it. I'm sure I've said it in the past, but I think that to talk about that sort of stuff is way way way to premature, and with every relationship I think I get closer and closer to actually seeing how things are going before I start saying a bunch of shit. So here we go, we've been here before.
All posts are contradictions. Irony within Irony
Saturday, May 15, 2004 01:28 a.m.
Much like Dune's "plans within plans" troy takes the extreme of a man wishing to have his name live on throughout history. No greater glory than finding that your name will never die. Thus is stands with Achilles notable after all history for one thing, his heel. I think that the direction on this incident by the director above all others should be lauded. Nothing in the movie is really over the top or particularly un-believable. It really is a fairly faithful retelling of a classic greek tragedy. And when the greeks tragedize they make sure everyone dies. Bravo says one.
In regards to the killing in movies lately and laughter. I think we've hit a very low spot when scenes of un-imagined violence do not disturb us, but rather cause us to laugh. A man who's face is split in half by a spear isn't one of those moments where I would consider a proper expression to be laughing, but you couldn't hear the wailing of a dying man above the gaffaws of the audience. I despise man-kind in these moments.
That's enough for now, I had more I wanted to blah on about, but for now we'll play scattegories with some friends from work. The power of porn
Thursday, May 13, 2004 01:58 a.m.
Power and subjugation. It's must be for the small people, because in your mind you're given all this power. Whatever that pose is it is because you have forced that person into that position. At the minimum you can believe that's the way it was. Your power was extended to force someone to do something you wanted them to do. In the real world we know better. Girls are hard creatures and no-one in their right mind would want to have any sort of power over one. Besides it would always come back to haunt you. Someone would always feel that what had transpired was something more than what it was. And it was, it always is.
I'm sitting here grabbing my gut, un attractive I know, but I have this horrible self image that tells me I'm always overweight. Though if you saw me sitting here grabbing my stomach every few seconds and imagining some ungodly amount of fat then you might be repulsed too. Working out everyday never seems to be enough, I must not be pushing hard enough. I know that eating late at night is a no-no, but every once in a while, you just get bored and you want to eat. Tonight was like that.
At Fridays we ran into a girl that Brian is really attracted to... and while I can't really see it, she did seem to be a nice girl. She wasn't shooting the pheromones at me though so I wasn't really paying attention, but for Brian's sake I made a bit of an ass out of myself making stupid jokes, jokes she's probably heard a million times. Bless her heart she didn't have that tired expression on her face that people must see on mine everytime they tell me that they don't have a discount card but they'll use mine. I didn't even know I had a discount card. But anyway, I see why he would like her. She's everything his mother would hate. Like I said not my type. Not that I know what that is though. Levi barges in my room the other night and starts talking about women. I'm hardly listening as I'm probably typing some nonsense into the computer, but he does say that I'm only interested in asian chicks. I told him to get out of my room and I shut the door in his face. Such an idea, surely there is more to what drives my attraction than that. I'm much more specific I think. "Must speak Japanese" how does that sound? See nothing in there says asian. Nyah.
Benshiro Watanabe (not his family name) owes me a dinner with his father, but has yet to make the phone call. I see him all the time at the theater and I keep hooking him up on the tickets. We chat for a bit in english and Japanese and then he says something about his dad wanting me over for dinner and I'm really looking forward to it. I tell him, "I'm really looking forward to it" and I really mean it, to which I add, "I really mean it" with a very serious expression on my face. Eyebrows furrowed, mouth slightly turned down and hands flying in the background like supple snakes. Nice!
The semester will go down in infamy!
Sunday, May 9, 2004 10:50 p.m.
Or so is the hope.
I've developed a certain liveliness, a bouancy in the midst of all this negativity. My spirits are revived at work and I am friendly and energetic with all the guests. There is even a little friendly flirting too. It's like I'm on stage again, and I think that's how I think about it. The things I do I do with the thought that someone is probably watching and what can I do to get them to smile in this situation. I'm through being cool. I'm not a cool cat. I'm ackward, silly and at all times crazy. That's all I've got, that's all I am, to be anything other than loud and frantic is not in my nature.
I think I can do it. It's not going to be easy, but I'm focused. Taking my own advice I find that single is the way to be. I only intend to be here for another year and then I intend to be off to Japan. I feel that I can be respected in Japan. I am a foreigner in my own country, I might as well go to a place where I am known as such and treated as such. That must be where I belong. So single, because if I started something I'd just have to watch it crash and burn before I left so I wouldn't have to watch it crash and burn while I was gone. And I told Gabe I'm not taking anyone with me. I'm not going to let that happen again, I'm too smart or stupid to let myself do that again. Someone waiting? Sounds so romantically stupid, and I don't believe I have anything romantic left in me. I think I can be fun in my own crazy way, but I'm out of continues and I used my quarters to buy a sponge bob sticker.
Be true to yourself isn't that what we are told? Haha, I've been trying to hard to be something other, thought that my life had to be full of adventure and purpose in order for it to mean enough to someone. I have my own idea of adventure and interest, your rich relatives or lover's rich relatives don't impress me. Money is something that will never arch my eyebrow, but I might just treat you bad if I see that green. Don't lord your ambitions over me, you'll find a one that doesn't bow to your sludge!!! Fighting a fight, for good or for bad.
Sunday, May 9, 2004 12:36 a.m.
Scott says that Madoka is probably only coming back to the US for the summer term and that's it. But it doesn't really matter, I'm not going to be here much longer either. After summer I'll be living in Kalamazoo and finishing up school. Something I should have done so long ago, but have been putting off.
Everything I read or see lately is about growing up. Something that I'm definitely against. There are times I get a little jealous at the people around me moving forward and growing up, starting families. That's not where I am though. One of my friends at 慶應義塾大学 Neil was sort of that way. He never grew up. He just found himself with nothing to do and no understanding for where he was headed so he decided to spend a lump of money learning Japanese at one of the most prestigeous universities in Japan, and on snowboarding. It's pretty frivilous when you think about it. He could hardly be considered a good citizen. Hardly a citizen at all. And that excerpt into his life doesn't really explain how I feel at all.
The way I see it sometimes is that I've just royally messed up. I can't tell my opportunities from my realities anymore. I don't know if something I had once was the real thing and I just found a way to screw it up and I don't have that option anymore. I can't say that it doesn't work that way. Everyone's talking about these second chances and things like that, but what if in truth there aren't any second chances? When you die you die and that's it, so why should anything else in life be any other way. So looking at it that way I don't really have anywhere to go anymore. One year of school and then I think I'll go back to Japan. That's still a goal and one I allowed myself to get distracted from. I'm not blaming anyone else, but I think I could have done so much better, but having something to come home to is a good way to lose sight of what you're striving for. I woke up everyday keeping a memory fresh in my heart, alot like an obsession and now I look back at myself and I think that had I been there I would have just slapped myself (this statement seems a bit odd to myself too, of course I was there, but had I also been there the slapping would have commenced). Told myself to just shut up and ignore everything else. Losing a purpose is alot like losing a life and I squandered many an opportunity in my idealized romantic stupidity. How many lives, how many opportunities?
I think I'm really a very selfish person, but I have moments where I allow myself to think that I'm very sacrificing. These sacrificing moments usually serve only one purpose and that is to inconvenience myself. Presently I'm dealing with a very irritating brother. A brother who doesn't seem to be getting his stuff together and the result is I haven't actively sought residence for the coming fall semester in Kalamazoo. A real problem in that housing is indeed limited. We were supposed to live together, but had I been true to my nature and selfish I would have just filled out an application for Spindler right away and been done with it. Spindler for the record is a one room apartment on campus that is decently priced, but quick to fill up. And by fill up we mean by all sorts of international students... gold mine! Ugah, and I'm left with uncertainty. I cannot do the drive anymore. 500 miles a week is just too much, but I have to live on campus, I feel it's my duty, something I never experienced, something I must experience.
Oh I must be in a bitter mood. And work was pretty fun tonight, I felt energetic and eager, but now I'm home and I watched a meloncholy Japanime アベノ橋商店街. Or was it really meloncholy? It was supposed to be a comedy, but the end feels like an almost Akira, with the lead male finding that no matter what kind of tantrum he throws his wishes can't be granted, but if he feels strongly enough for a girl he can change everything. Love, in the end, conquers all. Pardon my cynicism, but just as the girl's grandfather didn't get the girl, this guy isn't going to get the girl either. A bit ironic I guess that her grandfather worked so hard to win a girl's affections and failed (the lead male's grandmother no less) and now the situation is reversed but the roles are still the same. It's all just fiction, but someone's cynical view of how love works. I can't blame him though, an artist for anything animated must be a bit of an オタク and must have gone through some pretty destabilizing sitations.
I guess there are just times when I feel like everyone is for nought and the next day I have to disagree with myself. Right now I just want to finish school and get to Japan. I know it won't solve anything but it feels like a step and there isn't a reason for me to stay in the US, except maybe my puppy Baron... Look at the photo of football! hahah
Saturday, April 24, 2004 10:10 p.m.
Unrelated to the post that follows is my abhorrence of what the esc key does to things you've typed if you hit it too many times. If you don't know what it does, type a big block of enlightened prose and hit the esc key. I don't want to ruin the surprise for you so I'm not saying anything.
After nine or so months of silence Masako (the girl from 慶應義塾大学 who studied at WMU for a year) emailed me inviting me to a friend's birthday party. I was unable to go because of soccer. A convenient excuse that was conveniently true. I have been learning to abstain from things that are detrimental to my living. She writes "I haven't seen you for a long time. And this is my last semester at Western. I hope we could see again." Unlearning taking meaning from everything has been my most valuable lesson, but my hardest fight. As a non-native speaker of Japanese I decimate the phraseology of Japanese, like a plow truck on the day of first heavy snow. Speed bumps fail beneath my sunken plow. Laden with heavy meaning and lacking tact esconced in my truck I relegate the feelings of my listener to a mere drift, pile after pile, building a mountain of scorched earth. Had things gone differently last year, had I been less sensitive perhaps Masako would have been a friend, as it stands she is less than a 知り合い.
Much like moving snow with a shovel has a definite personal touch to it, I now contribute to conversations in a more personal style. Madoka has traits comparable to Masako's, both being very reserved people, hard pressed to open up in anyway. My driving technique being less than successful in creating a comfortable enviornment for befriending, I revived into myself. Talking with Madoka, I realized that part of my charm is that I am strange. Strange enough to miss crowded trains, to miss my torturous landlady. The things that broke me and made me stronger are the things I look back on with nostalgia. But it's not a sadistic longing, but rather an appreciation for what it made me into and Madoka found it funny. For the first time I could see the transition of someone opening up and becoming relaxed. We talked, on the phone, for just over an hour making me late for my birthday dinner. But it was enjoyable and before it was all over she wanted a way to keep in contact with me while she returned to Japan for a month. Told me when she would return and I can't say what that means, except I see something exciting in this drawn out learning process. Starter up!
Wednesday, April 14, 2004 12:43 p.m.
Rand states with predilection that the stones are way better. But I think if we look at the quality that is being portrayed here we will find that the twain are similar. The only song I can see that would seperate the stones a margin ahead of the beatles would be sympathy for the devil. It's just a solid song, but the song that would set them back a notch would the be the rap compilation of "has anyone seen my baby". The beatles' biggest failing was that they were so doggone popular. Everyone and his pet rock were "jamming" to the tunes of the beatles. Sweeping the nation with catchy beats, the beatles were the boyband for many generations. They held on barely into a drug induced era of songs that meant nothing unless you related whole heartedly to the drugs you were taking. Think of Pink Floyd, they had those timeless drug influenced ditties (though you could hardly refer to them as ditties) that were sweeping and epic. Do you discount them for their drug hypnasia? I think that you do not. The beatles bought the farm over the meddling of a small Japanese woman. But I don't blame Yoko, it was time, time for the beatles to move on. I'm just glad the stones realized they were out of the creative juices that brought them together and choose instead to tour with songs written before a time they can presently remember. The vivid parties of yesterday are a mere wrinkle above the eye today. But hats off to them for continuing as a band while everyone else broke up and parted.
Speaking of the floyd, I love that band and am in the mind to buy the album Animals. Pink Floyd were the kings of the concept album. The difference between other concept albums and Floyd's were you could listen to Floyd and feel that it might be a masterpiece, good music combined with a meshing idea. Animals being a concept about Animal Farm, The wall being about a rock star named Pink Floyd. It is the map that most rock stars took, the rise and fall, the drugs and disillusionment. Truly one of my all time favorite bands.
Tonight I'm thinking of calling Madokr (madoka for the non-initiates) tonight if I don't have to work. For good or for bad, no guarantees she will say yes... but I have a desire to try to understand this girl. She seems so withdrawn from everything, in english or in japanese, you just get the feeling she's not saying something or something is being held back. Shame on me for letting that make me curious. But I'm hanging in there, I will make a friend out of this girl at the least. On a side note, I can't see her clearly... I know it sounds odd, but she reminds me of the assassin in the novel "A Cavern of Black Ice" in that "It took too much effort to look at her. It was like staring at a landscape through a distorted piece of glass." (J.V. Jones p.669) I feel that way about Madokr, it's like I can't see her, I talk to her face to face and when she is gone it's like I looked into smoke. Her statements say nothing yet seem to hold secret meaning. She doesn't seem to be weighed down by the manners that bind other Japanese, yet she obeys some sort of inner rules that may or may not apply to other Japanese people. It's fascinating and tiring. I feel that instead of my usual maneuver of backing off I will push forward. Make it known that I plan to engage, shall I call her my enemy then? 日本人の友達
Sunday, April 11, 2004 02:14 p.m.
What is about me that makes people feel that they can't be my friend?
This stuff bothers me alot less than it used to, but I still have to wonder why I can't seem to make a friend.
I remember back when I was talking to Masako, and I invited her to Meijer Gardens for the Japanese pottery exhibit, something I recalled she was interested in. She wrote me back saying that a friend of her's lived in Grand Rapids and she would be going to the exhibit with this person... I was so angry, even now I can feel the blood in me start to heat up. But that era is over, now I'm in the Madoka and why she's 遠慮している mood. She refrains from meeting with me. We were able to see a movie and the next day Gabe, some of our friends and myself were going midnight bowling. I asked her if she was interested and she said she would "refrain". Unbelievable. Not knowing what to make of this I emailed Yukiko to see if this was a common thing and to ease my mind. I need to hear someone-else's opinion to ease my mind. Everyone keeps telling me to not worry, it's nothing and I'm thinking about it too much... but I want this thing to happen and I'm not giving up, I won't take no for an answer! 嫌とは言わせない！ Reading the archive produces
Monday, March 29, 2004 07:32 a.m.
A post that sums up exactly where I am today. Second to last post if you ignore the last paragraph.
I realize this grants me a certain validity except it also means that I'm not making much headway here. Knowing what to do isn't the same as doing. I don't know what type of a person would take that sort of route and I'd hate to think of myself as such a person but I dare say I just might be. That type of person must be lazy or has already given up. I don't feel like I've given up on myself, I just feel like no-one truly understands me. People used to say that it is much more simple than we make it, that the moves me make, the thoughts we express are much easier to understand if we just filter out all the big words and eliminate all the cross dialog and focus on the point. Doesn't sound like much fun to me. That would be the death of me, what would I be without my words? My humor gone, my wit? I don't try to confuse people, but I'm afraid I'm inconsistent at best, contradictory too. Sometimes so for the sake of the contradiction. There's a certain joy there, staying the opposite. I'm not trying to hurt people with these statements, I do not use such ploys in "grave" situations.
So I've been thinking, based on that post and the following (would actually be the proceeding) one about how my feelings right now and what frustration I do feel has apparently always been the same. I guess I just thought for a moment that the way I felt now was somehow a new thing. So I must consider that it is possible that there is no problem, except that I feel frustrated for no reason. The problem with people is that they are never going to move or act in the way you really want them to. In many ways this is wonderful, but it draws my ire. My mindset is changing as I look forward to a dawning day. The realization that I must let people live their lives without my unwanted interruptions. The counter to that being those people that want me in their lives. I must only make myself available and let my intentions known. There is a moment of desperation as my Japanese slides away even as I study everyday. Reading and hearing come easy. Speaking is easy too; I'm just saying all the wrong things.
Madoka's a mind numbing element though. I know my japanese can't be that horrible as I've talked to people online too, but when I talk to her I just end up saying the wrong things. I don't really feel "attracted" to her, but I do somehow feel intimidated by her. I think unconsciously she has placed me in a supplicant position and I've allowed this to happen. So now I'm stuck waiting. It's a frustration for me since I know that I'm a fun guy to talk to (in the right situations) and I think we would have a great time, because of my interest in talking, but I feel that we will never meet. I think it just isn't going to happen, she doesn't seem to be too motivated for getting together. Everywhere she looks are english speakers and my Japanese is shoddy at best when I talk to her so interest she might have had looks to be entirely gone. At least that's what my pessimistic thoughts are telling me. Oh well, sometimes things don't work out. Jon
Tuesday, March 23, 2004 06:14 p.m.
Since I'm not going out anymore tonight, I figured I'd call Jon and let him tell me about the incidents surrounding the end of his relationship. If I'm lucky our dialog will make me forget about women forever, because that feels alot like something I should be doing.
Remember how everything felt like a cycle? Well here I am back to being ditched. Despite good intentions and being a friendly outgoing person all I have to show for it is a very large bowl of frustration and I'm out of milk. What am I supposed to do now? I want to forget I ever put myself out there like that. If she ever calls again, since I won't be calling her again I assure you, what do I do? I honestly think that call is never going to come. So I'm just going to forget it, put my chin up and pretend that everyone does love me and wants to be my friend. That's the way it used to feel. I am ditched
Tuesday, March 23, 2004 05:58 p.m.
I can't believe this, Madoka just called to cancel our plans. My fatigue is returning and I dont' know what to do. I just wanted to have a good time and get to know someone, but now I don't feel like doing anything. My night is wasted, I feel like I have the night off for nothing. And I'm sad too, tired and sad. She said she forgot to do a report, but I can't help but feel like I'm trying to meet people that don't want to have anything to do with me. I'm supposed to do this thing on thursday too with Jen. There's a girl that goes to Western calling herself "sushi" who studied in Japan for a year and was intrigued by what Jen was telling her about me also studying in Japan. I guess she's Japanese raised in the states if Jen can be believed, but I think I'm out. I thought I was smart enough. I never should have left my room, because I'd be alot happier if I didn't try to make things happen or try to meet people. It's such a dissappointment and I never should have got my hopes up.
FOOlish, FoolISH, FOOLISH! Coffee?
Monday, March 22, 2004 11:40 p.m.
I called まどか today before bowling and left a message and she returned my call the same day... though she talked to my Dad and not me. I returned her call and we are all arranged for getting together tomorrow... weee! I'm excited, but I have no idea where we should go... she said something about coffee, but the only coffee I know of is in Wyoming... and such a small place. What is it with "dark" coffee places in michigan? What is it with dark coffee places in general? Is it not enough that coffee is in and of itself dark? Maybe I should do dinner instead? It will be around dinner time... my dinner time, I've found, is unlike anyone else's dinner time in the entire world. You all eat at 5:30 or 6, we usually eat around 8:30. In japan we ate at 7:30 and that worked just fine for me... though sometimes dinner went overly late. Anyway, maybe some indian food? I have to figure out what is near to where she lives too. She said something about a friend visiting her around 4 ish though so I wonder if her friend intends on coming too? If her friend is coming, is japanese and is female then I told Ian I'd give him a call and have him come too. You never know what might happen... though he said he's not really looking for a relationship, but rather he wants to meet alot of women.
For me, I hope まどかさん and I can be friends. If I recall she struck me as cute (though my tastes being unlike anyone else's much like my dinner time) and when we talked on the phone today I really like her voice, in japanese she sounds sweet and intelligent. In english she sounds intelligent, but scary almost like she's being scripted... I wonder if that's how I sound to her in Japanese... HELLO CONSUMER, BEE BUU BEE BOP BEBOP COLA.
Tonight was the sucks.
Saturday, March 20, 2004 10:45 p.m.
I accidentally gave a girl the wrong amount of change back and then I started to correct myself. She ran off with the money, but came back when she realized she didn't have a ticket and I took the money back... she had the nerve to tell me that if I ever made a mistake like that again it would be on me. I told her she would still be stealing since I was correcting myself as she snatched the money. She had some attitude. It was like that all night and my error was probably in part to my fatigue with dealing with everyone's crap.
Talked to Scott about Madoka and he said that it looked like we were having a fun conversation and she said it was fun to talk to me, but mentioned that my dialog was rusty and my vocabulary knowledge was also rusty. Both things I mentioned to her while we were talking. I'd like to meet her again, but I don't want her to think I'm using her just to speak Japanese since she also is trying to improve her English. The truth is I really do want to see her again... to find out more about her. More than that her favorite kind of music is Rap... ugh.
Peni and Knee caps.
Saturday, March 20, 2004 12:01 a.m.
Work has this sneak up on you and stab you in the eye way of boring a person. You wonder what happened to your eye and if there is something better you couldn't be doing. Like thinking up interesting things to write or talk about. I willed away hours talking to Pat about Sealab 2021 and with Matt about Peni and Knee caps or other assorted oddities. It all began when I looked over at that standees for Mean Girls and noticed that knee caps on the wrong woman or, and I'll be fair man, can be really ugly things. Which led me to speculate outloud "Knee Caps are really ugly."
To which Matt replied "yeah."
"You know what else is ugly?... Penis."
Matt laughed.
"Peni and Knee Caps," a witty retort.
Matt had the insight to add that he felt that the bottom of your tongue is pretty ugly too and I agreed with him, but you know when you are kissing someone you are probably going for that spot the softer more sensual bottom of the tongue... and that's the ugliest part. And if you tell them "I'm making out with the ugly part of your tongue" then you're talking while kissing and that doesn't work. What's more if their mouth isn't large enough to hold all the air from your making out talk then one of you gets blown back.
I finally met Madoka. It was something that Scott from work wanted me to do for a while. She works for him at that GRCC cafeteria that they have there then now. When I met her she was in the middle of the dishes, had a baseball cap on, running pants and an overlylarge, ill fitting, white Kitchen shirt on. As Chihiro said, when I was telling her about it online, "but that's kind of cute though"
"...yeah"
So we talked for maybe 20 or 25 minutes and I was pretty nervous. How long had it been since I really spoke in Japanese? Probably 6 or 7 months... I wanted to be confident and sure of myself, but that's not my charm. My charm is I'm an uptight overthinker that lacks confidence in almost any situation that includes girls. The problem develops when I find my confidence. If only I could be shy around girls forever, never brash enough to "make a move" as it is said. We didn't really talk about anything too interesting, I was just telling her a little about myself and not really learning too much about her... though I'd like to make that opportunity. She let me have her phone number which should preclude the oportunity of meeting again. I gave her mine. She ended with the typical 電話してください、電話します,
To which I responded 連絡して下さい. You'll notice that I didn't say anything about me calling her, but tonight I took it upon myself to call her... and her line was busy. Gabe, Levi and I were going to see the movie "Taking Lives" and I wanted to know if she would come too. Alas it wasn't to be, but if I recall from our conversation, 9pm is pretty late for her.
Taking lives is a pretty good thriller, but its the type that you know just about everything that's going to happen. The thrills are convincing and unexpected though and that is a plus.
Oh and in case Justin ever reads this, she's a Bギ??, just like you always wanted...
I've found that any attempt lately to look at something as a possibility I've shut down. I don't know what fear I'm under or what pulls me back... but I find myself saying no too often or saying things to Ian like "I don't want to put myself into that situation, I'd like to be a friend." It's not true in every case, and when have I even had the opportunity, if I'm not getting mad at Jena Evans for being a whore. Well that's not fair, I sould rather say acting like one and being entirely naive in situations where she should know better. Even if he's older than you by 10 years if you "freak dance" with him and he gives you his "business card" afterward and expects you to call him... well that's a danger signal in my book. And if I'm not getting molested by Suzi, I've met one new person in the last 7 months and she just happens to be, at first glance, a sweet japanese girl. Right now that's what I need... even a friend to talk to in Japanese. I don't know that I have it in me to woo anyone and that's my problem, I have to give myself the chance to be someone worth being with, not a man that runs from everything because he's afraid that his pocketbook will never measure up to what girls are after. Which brings me to
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
This movie is great, I'll say fantastic or marvelous (as the english that come into the theatre always say). It feels so real, I think it captures that spontaneity of meeting someone and then finding yourself with that person. It's about hope too, because the relationship presented is problamatic, utmost a disaster, but you see the good times, the things that some of us cling to like driftwood and make us the worst type of people to date and break up with. While you're counting the faults we're loving you through them and always remembering the good times. We might also be the ones that stay with the wife beaters, but I won't go into that because that's not about hope. But you see the progression that all relationships must take at some point and even in the ugliest moments there is a beauty and everything makes sense. Love for the right reasons is beautiful and if you can love someone and share of yourself with that person then you should go for it. Only stupid people hold back for fear.
I guess that makes me stupid. Wallet
Monday, March 15, 2004 11:31 p.m.
Today my wallet fell out of my pants and none of my calls to the three places we went after this happened brought forth my wallet. It is frustrating, I don't want to let this get me down, but lately everything feels like its all just building up to see just how much I can take until I snap. I need my ID to cash my check to get money to replace my ID... I hope someone I work with didn't pick it up at the bowling alley, and if they did, why didn't they just turn it into lost and found? Then I could have picked it up. As it is I've called Visa and tomorrow I have to call the credit Union... this is really crappy. Plus now I have to replace my Western Michigan ID... I will trust in God, everything will be alright. Today was...
Friday, March 5, 2004 01:15 a.m.
Today was supposed to be such a wonderful day. I was going to drive out to Ann Arbor to see Luis whom I studied with at Keio and I was going to get back in time to play soccer at 9:10pm. I got to Ann Arbor and Luis and I reminisced about our time at 慶応大学 and then we went out for some Pizza. Not the best cuisine ever, but you can't really get good Pizza in Japan and the first thing I got when I returned to the states was some Pizza. You get the craving in Japan and its stupid, because its some of the fattiest food you can eat. But it was enjoyable. Luis holds to the claim that he didn't have quite the adventure that I did in Japan, but I say at least his "adventures" didn't all turn out disasters like mine did. So it was about 5:30 and time for me to start heading home. It should have been a trip that would last no more than 2 hours. Instead as I was backing out of my parking place there was a narrow lamp behind me, I backed out, hit the left rear wheel on the base of the lamp just so and bent the axl of the car on that side. The wheel proceeded to slant inwards toward the vehicle and my heart sank out of my body and onto the pavement where some crow alighted and devoured it. I moved forward back into the parking space correcting the tire and Luis stood by. Everytime I moved backward the tire went into the body of the vehicle, everytime I moved forward the wheel became correct. I tried driving a little way and Luis informed me that the wheel was wobbling and he wouldn't drive it in that condition. Normally I would agree with him, but my family is not with money and lately everything has been going wrong so we are what you would call "strapped" A few months ago my father's normally reliant truck stopped functioning for no explainable reason. A hundred some dollars at a mechanic produced the result of 'we don't know what's wrong with it, but it doens't run anymore'... we had no idea, thank you so much for telling us. A few weeks ago the furnace stopped working. Several thousand of I don't know where they came from dollars later we have a new furnace and coolant coils. A few days after that Rich rolled his truck on the highway totalling it. And today I may have destroyed my mother's vehicle. So we didn't nor do we have the money for a tow. So proceeded to drive it home 150 miles. I must thank God, for he protected me the whole way home and I was made painfully aware of so many things on that voyage. It was a hard time and I was afraid, but it was raining hard and in my excitement to get home in time for soccer I might not have drove as safely as I should have had the car been running correctly. I made it home safe and tomorrow I go out looking for estimates to see how much this is going to cost me. It is hard, and though I am sad and my heart still feels so heavy I know that everything is going to be alright. I've been through things like this many times and it always works out and we always find a way. My family will persevere through anything. We might not be the richest in money, but we love each other with everything that we have and we always learn from what bad befalls us. I don't know what it is going to cost, but I will find a way. Perhaps I can start working for my dad again.
Oh and we lost the soccer match and I wasn't able to be there to support my team. Tonight wasn't, it seems, the night.
Friday, February 20, 2004 11:31 p.m.
Wysken, Wesken, Weskin, I don't know how its spelled, but its driving me crazy. How can a team of misfits that has "spitters" and "bigots" amongst their ranks drive us to tie? Surely a moral victory could be found? I blame the situation on our Friday team not being as good as our Thursday team when only one sub is available. When we play on Thursday people dont' show up all the time, we are down to one girl and guy sub most of the season, but we mop the floor with teams. At the beginning of the season I thought that our friday night team was the team to beat, but now I find that thursday is a sunny ray of ... I'll say sun, on a dark and sunless day. Of course I'm always too critical and harsh, I'm hardly forgiving, I think that "weight" shouldn't be a factor, its simple all you have to do is get thin, run more. But people don't take these things the way I do. Fun is serious business, but competition is even more serious. I have more fun being competitive then I do goofing around and losing. I will say for the record that when I score a goal I'm as surprised as the next guy, but if you run after enough balls and kick enough at the goalie once in a while you are going to get one. I'm not a terrible soccer player, but I have my faults, control probably being my largest problem. Sure I'm fast, I'd place money on no-one being faster than me on the field... without the ball. That same speed isn't tolerated when you are supposed to be dribbling... sure if I had played soccer my whole life I bet I could get it, I could just punch that thing in keep that ball at my feet box everyone out and work my way to the goal... Smug grin on my face as I shoot assured that my lifes work (playing soccer all the time from birth to death) is a success and my shots will never miss. This is not the case. If I felt more confident I bet I wouldn't think so much about my shots... which foot which foot... let it be right, but its always left and that is something I really dont' have right now. So 4-4 the score stands. The plays that stand out in my mind? Gabe whipping the ball at the back of my head and my dodge allowing it to be a sweet pass to Jessica D. Didn't score on that one though, because we got hoed. Officials kind of suck, especially when they are buddy buddy with the other team. Let it be, new season coming up.
Well Suzi from work turned 21 the other night so we all went out to "THE MAXUM" (dont' worry it's as gay as it sounds) and some people were hammered and some people weren't but acted like it because no-one knew the difference. I think, rather I know that I don't like the way that girls dance. At least the way they dance in the US, I don't like it. It's just humping, and you know, if I see a girl that dances like that I'm not thinking "oh lets get some dancing on" I'm thinking "please stay out of my trousers" (like that, trousers? yeah I know good english) needless every girl that dances, I should be fair by saying at that club, but I'm sure that its the same all over the US, dances like a whore. Go to a club, play some Rap music or some stupid R&B and B want some more B with that R&B and B? Well there you go, I've got your R&BnBnB right here. You can't dance to that music, where did we get it wrong in the US? No-one dances to that garbage in Europe or Asia, they have real djs that spin their own music, Trance, Electronica, Emo (emo?) things you can move to and not feel like you are impregnating the elephant dancing next to you. Mind you it's very hard to find elephants dancing next to you in Japan. But the music, the movement. Pop some rufies into the mouth of a minor in the US, go grind on the dance floor leave with an aneurism tada! I'm just upset, because I feel cheapened by the whole affair. I've become the guy that sits next to the people that aren't dancing (probably because I'm talking to them) and bemoans the fact that the dudes that "freak" (remember that noun/verb?) with these trashy girls are freaky. They are freaking me out. Not because they are doing something I want to do... believe me that is not what I want to do. Have I danced similarly? As a joke yes, for real? No. I make a mockery of it every chance I get. Jena, remember Jena? yeah well she was trying to freak on me (I know its "harmless") so I stood there with my hands on my hips and told her that when she freaks on me I stand here and pretend that I am super man. Red cape flapping behind me in the wind. And I don't even like superman, though Jim Lee is picking up the pencils soon and then, maybe then I'll like superman. Close dancing and "freak" dancing are not relatives. I've close danced in Japan and where ever, but it never seemed the same, more sensual perhaps and not like someone has an itch on their crotch and is using my pant leg and or member to get that itch taken care of. Itch gone? Good move along I'm sure there is a line of girls that have a similar problem. I'm looking at the guys too, especially the ones that are handing out their business cards after a freak. "oh by the by, I also sell insurance, call me" (use your best husky voice there, the internet is a tough sell for voice overs). It infuriates me... makes me say things that are rude, but it determines who you are I think. You want to freak dance? Good for you I think it detracts from you as a person and I know that I'd rather not see you in that enviornment anymore. It sort of precludes my disinterest in talking to you. You're thinking I should be more fair, that I should be more nuturing? I'll take the Ninja Master and student approach. If you can endure the harships of my extreme disfavor and find a way to improve the image you are presenting as a person nay some of these people are our fellow christians, then perhaps we can find a mutual respect. Until that day. And if you're friends with P then you're down with me.
A day in the life
Wednesday, February 18, 2004 12:12 a.m.
Because of the up and coming release of "The Passion" the theatre has switched the DMX (this is the radio we use at Studio 28, it has over 100 stations but we can only use five or so) over to some lite jazz accompanyment crap. The reason behind this is because people are getting put on hold to whatever's playing on DMX and alot of church groups are going to be calling in the next few months. So now, when I work, I feel like a clerk behind the counter at a Tomato convenience store. People come and go none the wiser, but all I can think about is how I need to practice my karate or buy some capsule toys. And surely after I've played a few rounds of darts and petted a kitten I will track down my father's killer.
My no nonsense lifestyle leaves very little leeway in other people's lives. But I think that there should be a certain logical order to things. If you want to do something and you know its not a sin maybe you should go for it. Or maybe not. God's got this thing all worked out and far be it from me to attempt a derailment. Disobedience itself is a sin, so where do I obey and whence do I disobey?
So Jennifer got moody the other day and told me that I shouldn't bother talking to her anymore. What a strange thing the emotions that drive us. You'd think we had some thing more than a platonic relationship. Of course I know better... I know that she likes me, but I want to feel that it is okay to maintain a friendship. The online me must be something, or the Jesus look (as my mother calls it) isn't the thing, because I seem to be a better person online. Maybe I'm just a better person if all I do is talk. Keeps me in control, tight control. Like I said no nonsense.
I've ben thinking lately, about how people just saying things can change everything in your life. About the need associated with living. The want associated with hoping. And the apparent foolishness either can leave you with. Noble never comes to mind. I guess that we are too far along for that. But you've read through this, or parts of it, and maybe you see something I don't... Maybe I see something many of you don't. The world is crazy and I am sane
Thursday, February 12, 2004 07:04 p.m.
What is it with sexuality? And how come girls have to dress like whores? Why is it that women don't really want nice guys? Everyone I talk to about this is not interested in dating a nice sweet guy. Even girls at church that I strike up conversation with are more interested in dating a guy that is dangerous or tall and seductive. But you can't hear the end of how broken up girls are, or how much they want you to be perfect when you are dating them... but only to move forward towards someone that isn't what they said they wanted to date in the first place. Its a good thing I'm not dating, because obviously dating is a world in which I no longer belong. Tired of the sex, tired of the frustration, tired of the unfair expectations. Men are supposed to be good and attentive, while the women run around exposing themselves and flirting with "androgenous" men. Why am I frustrated about this? Because it isn't right and its a big shocker for me. I honestly thought that girls were good, didn't want sex and wanted to be with a respectful man. This isn't the case at all. Even Jennifer who I talk with online has proved to be far below what I thought she would be. Even as her friend I am upset by her conduct. I am appalled by almost all relationships that I have the "pleasure" (I drip derision) of coming into contact with. What happened to goodness? Its gone, that's what happened to it. It's just a lie. All men want sex, all women want money and power. Screw this world!!! I knew I didn't belong here from the beginning and I am sorry that I allowed myself to be drawn in!!
Man I can't wait for the post that contradicts this one. The virus that infected a family
Wednesday, February 11, 2004 11:48 a.m.
I don't know the name of the virus, I just know that I'm being sent links by both Rand and Beth. The origin being that Beth clicked a link sent to her and downloaded the file attached to the link, the virus then sent the link to every single person on Beth's buddy list (including your's truly, though I'm too smart to just download random files) Rand got infected and now whenever either of them sign online the virus attempts to send me the link again. So they are both infected, I saved Gabe from infection and subsequently all the people that Gabe associates with. His list is much longer than mine. I only talk to like 3 people online anyway.
Speaking of, there is a girl named Jennifer I talk to who lives in Taiwan. We started talking like 7 months ago and I always thought that she was a little bit psycho. I say psycho because after one date over milk tea with my friend Luis she decided to fall in love with him. Well it was a bad exchange because Luis would swear at her over MSN and just say these nasty things all in the hopes that she would go away. If she did eventually go away, she'd imediately come back and apologize. So I sort of thought that she had some growing up to do. She went through a series of "bad" relationships after that, all of which I warned her were mistakes. Luis and I both got on the band wagon when the 40 year old from Canada started asking her if she wanted to go out for a drink or something sometime. Being men we are not naive to the failings of men, or the ploys if you will. So we were right, he just wanted to jump in her pants (and not to wear them, as he was bigger than her) tried to kiss her on a "date" and she saw the light as it were. After that she dated a guy named Aaron that was a total bastard. Going so far as to make her watch him when he masterbated. Of course I tried to talk her out of that one. But she was starting to get the picture... that was messed up though because she would yell at him to leave her alone and he would go, but she's want him to come back and say he loved her. Everything she did in that "relationship" was a trick to get him to prove his love. Such a bad thing to do.
But she's single again, thank goodness... though she keeps talking about her boss for some reason. But better than anything, she seems really matured now, I think she's learned the lesson from her previous experiences and she's not bitter about them. She was bitter before, but I think she's worked through it. At a speed exponentially faster than I could. But our conversations are good now, and oddly she uses a webcam. They are fun so I think I will get one too... I want to use a webcam when I talk to people... it will help keep me honest. But I guess that means I can't use the computer nakeds anymore. Well she's a nice girl and I like talking to her, but I'm afraid she's getting a crush on me. My online self seeming to be a really great guy, but you know? Why not, if I can keep myself respectful and follow the guidelines as set aside for me in the bible maybe I really can be a great guy. And it doesn't have to be for a reason or for some motivation. I'd like to not foster her attraction, but Gabe and I have a theory that you can't help but BE attracted to the Foerster's Trio. So in the case of girls and myself, there just isnt' anything you can do. They call it c for crapulence
Monday, February 9, 2004 12:41 p.m.
Or C for Calamine the band that plays that little ditty at the beginning of SEAlab 2021 and has a sweet sound. I think its that sound that drew fans to Six Pence non the Richer. That High crisp female vocal. And that's what we did yesterday. After I returned from work, Gabe, Ian and myself sat down to some too sweet cookies (as in too much sugar, not as in super awesome) and sealab 2021. After that Gabe went to soak in a hottub with a girl that he doesn't want to date, but doesn't mind using her hottub. Ian and I went out to FamVid to see if "Number Nine" was working and to rent a two player videogame to waste our time with. We decided to get "Baldurs Gate II", because "Full Frontal Truckers" just wasn't our cup of tea. Unfortunately "Number Nine" wasn't working and we had to put up with some guy's shinnanigans. I guess I was sleeping while playing the game... I still can't decide if its very good, but it doesn't seem to be much of a winner yet. More of a Hack and Slash like Gauntlet.
number 9
If you haven't seen the movie "the Big Bounce" then you wouldn't know what I'm talking about. Also the only movies I haven't seen right now are "The Gospel of John", "Monster", "Calendar Girls", "Catch that Kid", "Cold Mountain", and "Mystic River" if you see a movie listed and I didn't mention it on that organized grouping of movie titles thing, then I've seen it and can tell you about it. I'm biased though, I don't let things that might have had something to do with my life at one time have anything to do with my enjoyment of movies... I take it all at face value. When I look at the sky I see the sky, when I hear a song I don't associate feelings with the song, I just hear a song and evaluate it based on that criteria. Everything changes
Saturday, February 7, 2004 11:18 a.m.
So I guess I'm trying to get this thing going again, for no other reason than for a little lady that reads what no-one else reads. You can take meaning from all of my statements, because apparently I'll be the roundabout
the words will make you out and out
you spend the day
your way. Is it sweet finality?
Saturday, February 7, 2004 10:23 a.m.
I can only laugh because this is something I've never understood. And I think it probably doesn't mean anything. Though it feels like I just keep getting dragged back in, I've hung out at the fringes for so long, maybe dangling my feet or dragging my hand at the edge of the water. Keeping my finger tips wet. Keeping myself guarded. Right now I have to say no, no to everything, because my way of belief states that no-one is unforgivable, and no deed is irreversible. That had been a great asset, but also a great failing. If you know everything is forgivable and no matter what you do your family is going to love you and forgive you, a weak man would take advantage of that and be repentant only at the time of responsibility. Forever duplicating similar crimes with the foreknowledge that forgiveness is in the embrace of love. Oh what a fool! And what changes then? You're supposed to be wiser and in more control now, what better way than to just sort of dissappear? Are you in so much control that no matter how you feel you just fade away?
When great love is rejected or lost; my mother believes there is a second almost as good love. My friend Justin believes that no matter what you have to be almost stubborn. Never give up, never surrender. Strategically I have realized that it meant knowing how you feel, but finding a way to live with that feeling knowing full well there was probably nothing you could do. This is where relationships fail. If it was the basis of individual "feeling" you could probably have a relationship with just about anyone. I'll call that the taxi relationship, because you charge them a fare of stripped emotions and false clinging ons while you "drive" the relationship where you think it should go. What we get most of the time though is some sort of movie subplot where everyone is trying to do what they feel is best for everyone else while chasing some sort of melodramatic dream. The life of misery and pity.
I used to dream that the girl I loved was trapped, kidnapped by some loathsome overlarge villan. I fought to my best ability to get to her, to save her from those clutches and feel her in my arms one last time. But the final boss (end boss if you will) always proves to be my equal. Up to that point you get tired beating thralls, so I guess if it were just big boss and I the greater would be I. But the boss is always my undoing, but my last ounce of strength is always used felling him while I too am felled. Nary a word of love for the girl that I had loved for so long can escape my lips, but always in that moment she realizes that I loved her and that her heart is swayed to feelings of love for me. The breaking of her heart when she realizes every great thing she has lost was almost too much and I always woke in tears. Ridiculous I know, to cry over your own death and a misery that you had created, but at the same time feel a sort of appreciation for tragedy. It seems there are people out there with a love for tragedy. I myself on many an occasion feel that cinema or novels would be much better if everyone perished at the end. If I want happiness I'll see a comedy, but every other movie should end in such a way that I get my refreshing twice a year cry.
I haven't cried in a long time, its hard to cry when you get the feeling that there isn't really anything to cry about anymore. I've found a certain niche in being alone, I'm far from sad, mostly I'm happy and finding a certain patience. My frustrations come from what I know is stupid irrational behavior on the part of females and fat soccer guys that shove and don't get penalties (but that is neither here nor there). Rationally if you love someone or you want to be with someone you be with that someone, but the world, or the way we are forced to live our lives seems to say differently. Seperated by fate, seperated by family, by race, by the ocean, and lastly religion. That last one is going to kill you, because I know that is not to be overcome. The rest I feel are do-able. I'm supposedly stupid though. My attempts at love that weren't my shortsided "I'll do things I shouldn't do for love" (I would do anything for love, but I won't do that) can be questionably obsessive or the product of someone that is just needy. Though I think that there is a certain obsessive quality to love an almost imbalance. That is why my "rational" thoughts on love are at best not valid. Love, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on who you are talking to), is very irrational. So much so that for the benefit of a "loved" one, seperation might just be the answer. The answer no-one should ever have to hear.
The new trend with Christian youth is to date without contact, much like courting. Essentially dating without kissing and early curfews. When I worked for greystone testing automatic adjustable car seats I worked with a guy named Juan. Well Juan loved his cars and we were talking about girls and how we determine who we want to date. He told me that he cannot date a girl that he hasn't had sex with. His simile: having sex with a girl is like test driving a car, if you don't like the way the car feels or performs you test drive a different car. The idiot in me laughs at this statment, because of course it is ridiculous and I find it hard to take that sentiment seriously. I can't decide if I'm a fan of the don't make out courtship, but I see the validity of it and will do what i don't do, make a list.
1. Girls can't complain that you are only dating them because you want to make out with them.
2. It is much easier to control your passions if you don't give them anywhere to take root.
3. Lists are stupid and I don't want to finish this one.
4. What he said.
So there you have it. I'd like to try this with someone. Ugh, I don't mean it that way, english for all its accuracy has these failing moments where what you say can have 100 meanings. Elton John could read this and think I'm talking about him, someone else (heh someone) could read this and think I'm talking about just anyone. You know I've never dated anyone that I hadn't made out with on the first date. Oh that's not true, except for some exceptions where I didn't even make it to the first date, there was a girl I was sort of seeing that I didn't make out with once. We didn't even hold hands. Maybe we weren't dating though. Courting sounds alot like a friendship, no benefits, no uncertainty. For a guy like myself I wonder could such a thing be done? And who could I perpetuate this "no kissing" crime with? Haha, I've got nothing. Because Gabe says I don't want to date, and I don't even leave a window of opportunity. Shooting down any chances that someone might have an attraction, vehement refusal to any words that might preclude an attraction. Don't get me wrong I am attracted to some girls, but I know better now. I know what I'm looking for and no-one else does! What I seek is one of a kind and some might say impossible to achieve, save for rationality they are correct. So maybe they are all right, maybe all my doors are shut. I've locked that door too and I don't think any of you have the keeeey! (taunting)... I forgot what I was typing about.
Did I mention that I dislike it when I play soccer and people shove me? Because I'm a small guy and I fall down easy.